Tag: fertility journey

Nurturing Your Heart on Mother’s Day 

 

Dear Heart, how are you feeling this week? 

Are you finding ways to support and comfort yourself through the sticky moments of this journey? 

There is a lot going on at the moment. This past Sunday marked ‘International Bereaved Mother’s Day’. It is also ‘Maternity Mental Health Week’ in various countries at the moment, and of course Mother’s Day is coming up on Sunday, 8th May. It can be a confusing and bittersweet period where we each do our best to walk the fine line between grieving loss and infertility, and celebrating motherhood/the mothers in our lives. 

In recent years, I’ve noticed more and more awareness around and consideration towards the infertility and pregnancy loss community. I’ve seen many touching posts offering support to women dealing with infertility and to those who’ve experienced losses on social media over the last week, as well as a lot more media coverage on these topics. A few companies have also shown some sensitivity with their email lists, giving subscribers the option to opt out of receiving any Mother’s Day related correspondence as they are aware that it was a difficult time for some.

I appreciate these small thoughtful gestures because they are indicators that wider society is acknowledging the emotional and mental impact of infertility and pregnancy loss. It gives me the sense that years of speaking out, educating and advocating for understanding and sensitivity towards women who struggle with infertility and how it affects their lives is paying off, is helping to shatter the silence, the stigma and the shame that often accompanies it. It opens up space for those of us who face infertility to feel seen and it says – ‘You’re not forgotten, your loss is not forgotten, we see your pain and you’re included in our societal narratives’. Being seen, acknowledged and included is profoundly healing in many ways. With this as a foundation, my hope is that it becomes easier to keep building forward, allowing women/couples to better access the support and resources that they need.

Nurturing Your Heart

Even so, this week may still be a challenging time that amplifies your hurt and sense of longing for motherhood. It also doesn’t erase the realities and the pain of your struggle that you face on a daily basis.

“Despite the overwhelmingly positive narrative of Mother’s Day that we see in commercials and advertisements, we know that this is a tough day for people experiencing infertility and loss. And it is important to remember that for many, this day is even more emotionally fraught if their own mothers have passed away, if they have conflictual or complicated relationships with their mothers or if they have one or more kids but have also lost pregnancies, infants or children. This day can catch us up in so many layers of sadness, anger, jealousy and profound grief.”  

~ Dara Roth Edney

So, I’ll offer this gentle reminder: Remember that you are not alone. You are entitled to your feelings, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to do things that nurture your wellbeing. If you feel the need to, then by all means, disconnect from social media and all the Mother’s Day messaging and take some time to do things that you enjoy. It is okay to set boundaries to protect your emotional health.

“Keep those rivers of self-compassion and love flowing over you, with an abundance of patience and kindness.”

~ Shannon, Mothering Your Heart

Three years ago, shortly after my ectopic pregnancy loss I came across a wonderful email series called Mothering Your Heart (https://www.motheringyourheart.com) This email series was created as a support resource for women after pregnancy loss. Around Mother’s Day they sent out a series of soul soothing emails. These daily messages were beautiful anchors for grace and came with a workbook of journaling prompts. One of these writing prompts was about ascertaining the best way for you to access calm on Mother’s Day. They asked several questions along the following lines:

• What is the most soothing place I could physically be today?

• What is the most calming event I might include in my day?, and

• What is the most comforting music that I’d like to listen to today?

Just having these simple thinking points to guide me forward brought some ease to something that could have been much more emotionally challenging. The contemplations felt so healing to me. It gave me something different to focus on, allowing me to spend my weekend taking care of my own needs.  

“…be proactive about taking care of yourself. Take the time leading up to Mother’s Day to try and anticipate what will make the day or weekend harder, and then take steps to protect yourself.”

~ Dara Roth Edney

I’d thus like to encourage you to contemplate what your needs are right now and then investigate how you can nurture them this week. 

What is your heart calling for most at this time? 

How can you hold yourself in self-compassion? 

Don’t be afraid to give yourself these things. Set self-nurturing boundaries in order to prioritize your own needs if necessary. Set aside self-judgement and meet yourself with acceptance and compassion. Nurture yourself and your heart lovingly. 

I’ll end off by sharing a verse from a moving affirmation that I stumbled upon last year, as it really touched my heart. It is called ‘Mothering Heart’ by Carly Marie, and reads as follows:

“While I may not have any children here to raise on Earth, I became a mother the moment I opened my heart to the idea of bringing a child into this world. My mothering love has grown and blossomed since that day.”

Love Notes For Tough TTC Days

It’s easy to be happy some days. It’s easy to be optimistic, hopeful and positive that at some point things will turn around again. On those days, I have this inner knowing that eventually I will wake up feeling alive, blessed and centred in the family focused life I’ve always dreamed of. Yet, at the same time, the bad days always come around – those treacherous days where I feel like I’m falling apart because nothing’s working the way I want it to. Doubt and depression rise slowly to cast their silent shadow in spaces that hope and certainty once filled, and the underlying sense of sadness becomes that much more palpable. I find myself feeling like a marching quiver tree in the semi-arid Namaqualand desert acutely aware that in order to thrive I need to make my way to higher ground, to a place where I am better able to breathe, refocus and support my well-being.

Motivational speaker and author, Dr. John Demartini, wrote that “The quality of your life is based partly upon the quality of the questions you ask yourself daily.”  I’ve incorporated this philosophy into my life and you may have noticed that I have a tendency of including questions in the blogs or articles that I write. So, when I am plodding through the troughs I try to ask myself questions that I know will help redirect me in a positive direction. I ask myself things like:

How do I want to feel?

What will help me cultivate those feelings?

And the one question that I often encourage my TTC sisters to examine when they are feeling overwhelmed – What is the most healing thing that I can do for myself right now?

I’ve learnt to trust the answers that come up because nine times out of ten, they’ve helped me get to a more grounded mental and emotional space. One practical idea that I stumbled upon while examining these questions was to create little ‘love notes’ for myself. These ‘love notes’ are like touchstones that guide me back to myself, back to a place of wholeness and calm. They take various forms. I jot down impromptu inspirational notes in my journal to refer back to when I need a pick-me-up. I write affirmations and short uplifting messages on cardboard bookmarks and place them in the books that I’m busy reading. My favourite love note is a kind of pep talk letter that I wrote for myself. I keep it in a special box on my bedside table and reading it on my lowest days always lifts my spirit.

I’ve accepted that as humans we are cyclical creatures. We’re always shifting through seasons of life and cycles of emotions. I’ve written about this many times before – while I’ve surrendered to the fact that there are so many things that we cannot control when it comes to subfertility the one thing I know I can exert some level of influence on is the way I feel and how I choose to approach this experience. Creating love notes for when the going gets tough is one small way of doing so.

How do you offer yourself love and care on the bad days?

What helps uplift you when you’re feeling low?

I believe that it is important to reach towards these things whenever you can. This simple practice of crafting love notes has been a bit of necessary soul balm from time to time. So,if you would like to create your own ‘love notes’ for days when you need a pick-me-up, then here is a little guideline:

Write Your Own Love Notes

Think of one of your close friends or family member, someone that you care very deeply for. You want good things to happen for them. You want to see them happy, thriving and living out their dreams. Now imagine they were going through a rough patch.

What if they are struggling with the exact same thing that you are experiencing? Navigating subfertility, going through the gruelling process of fertility treatment and trying to cope with the sense of loss, failure, anger, depression and a whole host of emotionally challenging curveballs that come with the territory?

What would you say to them to offer some comfort and reassurance?

How would you encourage them to care for themselves and their emotional well-being during their lowest moments?

What would your PEP talk for your friend sound like?

I’d like to encourage you to write down your thoughts, capture your words of comfort and encouragement for a moment.

Then turn the things you’ve jotted down into a compassionate pep talk letter. But instead of writing your friend’s name, write your own name. Write down all the things that you need to hear when you find yourself sinking into that sometimes dark and lonely place.  Pour all your love into it.

When you are done, fold the letter and put it in a safe place where you can access it later on when you really need to hear those words.

If you like, select some of your favourite lines and write them on bookmarks or make affirmation cards with them so that they are easy to use on a daily bases.

Horticulture Therapy: A Gentle Healing Path through Subfertility and Loss

Girl Holding Blue Speckled Egg in Bird Nest on Lap

The Deeper Need for Healing

When I started writing this post almost three months ago, I’d intended to share some insight around how horticulture therapy can play a positive role in offsetting the stress and emotional effects we often encounter as a result of subfertility. I didn’t realise just how much more I would need to lean into gardening as a healing tool during the subsequent weeks and months that unfolded. It’s strange how simple the idea of healing, finding balance and practicing mindfulness seemed when the proximity of my grief from past losses was filtered by the distance of time. However, three months later, I sat down to write in the midst of fresh wounds while making slow and laboured daily efforts to mend my body and broken heart. As a result, these words have flowed with deeper meaning to me than they may have before, their gravity weighted with the debris of a more immediate and intimate experience.

You see, I fell pregnant during my Feb/March cycle, a beautiful unexpected blessing that happened at a time when I was having a crisis in faith around the possibility of it becoming a reality. Naturally, I was overjoyed and the initial weeks were nothing short of magic. My HCG levels were good, and I was nurturing myself and my baby through morning sickness, fatigue and a whole host of early pregnancy symptoms. However, just when I started allowing myself to relax into the idea that everything was finally working out, we discovered that it was an ectopic pregnancy. That was probably the most devastating blow I’d ever been dealt. To see the thriving little angel I’ve dreamt of for so long looking so full of life with her tiny heart beating fiercely and knowing that it was all going to have to end seemed so cruel and unfair. I fought hard against accepting it. I requested a second scan the next day hoping it would reveal that my doctor was mistaken, but it only confirmed what I’d already been told – that my baby was implanted in my right fallopian tube instead of my uterus, the tube was ruptured and I was bleeding internally. As a result, I ended up having a laparoscopic salpingectomy and my right fallopian tube was removed. I lost my baby along with a piece of my fertility.

“My garden has helped me get through difficult circumstances on many occasions. It has sustained me through a divorce, nurtured me after surgery, eased my stress during times of devastating disappointment, and sustained me through depression and grief. ”

~ Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler

Woman holding seedling in cupped hands

Ectopic Recovery… and What Horticulture Therapy has to do with it  

Those first two and a half weeks post-surgery were quite easily the hardest I’ve had to live through. And I’m not exaggerating. I honestly thought that I’d never get over the heartbreak, that I wouldn’t be able to lift the relentless and debilitating sadness that permeated every waking moment. It scared me how low I felt. I was frightened that this would be my permanent state of being, and I struggled with the idea of not knowing how to be okay again. I had thought I’d understood loss because I’d miscarried before. I’d expected that this time it would be easier for me to endure. I was wrong on both accounts. It was bewildering to discover how different experiencing an ectopic pregnancy loss was from a miscarriage, how much more jarring and devastating it was on all levels.

It was clear to me that I needed help to move through the depressive and unfamiliar space I felt lost in. So, I reached out for assistance, found supportive people to talk to and did some energy healing. I decided to create a “40 Days of Healing” process for myself in order to consciously take small day-to-day actions that supported my wellbeing and helped me heal from the loss. In the midst of reaching for guidance, I came across an article with a five step guideline that Gabrielle Bernstein offered to women who are having difficulty conceiving. One of the steps she included was to “Appreciate what’s thriving”. That idea really stuck with me, so I began a daily practice of drawing my focus to all the things around me that were thriving – my marriage, flowers, friendships, vibrant colours, writing opportunities… and, my garden. Mostly, my attention kept going to back my garden, and as a result it became a healing and grounding space where I found the sustenance and strength to navigate a journey that challenged me greatly. The soothing touch of soil, seeds and plants worked their therapeutic magic in my life, and continue to do so.

Autumn planting bulbs of flowers in the garden.

I was reminded that there is a special kind of soul medicine that comes with nurturing life, with starting cuttings and watching them take root, and with planting winter herbs in the cool wet earth after the rain. Something about the early morning garden that has always filled my heart with its gentle peace. It might be the mystery of those quiet moments where the first light returns slowly to the world, or the way the cool air settles gently on my skin like a soft kiss from a long last friend. It brings me back to my breath. It pulls me out of my head and draws me back into my body, so that it becomes an effortless exercise in mindfulness. The dew soaked grass beneath my feet is comforting. And I’ve always felt like a medicine woman of old times when I gather herbs for tea at sunrise, clip plants and transplant saplings in the stillness beneath the silver-blue sky before the busyness of everyday life sets in.

I discovered soul medicine in the constancy of the bees too. I made it my afternoon meditation to sit in the warm sunny ‘fragrant herbal corner’ of my garden and just watched the bees follow beauty, floating purposefully from flower to flower, gathering nectar from the perennial basil, borage and passionfruit daisies. I internalised their way of being by asking myself how I could mimic their approach to life – How could I purposefully seek out the nectar of life even though I felt at my lowest? How could I drink in the glimpses of sweetness that each daily experience offered even when I didn’t know how to trust in the future?

Slowly, the layers of depression began to lift. I found it easier to breathe through the heaviness. Getting out of bed in the morning became less and less of a struggle.   The passing days seemed a little less daunting as I felt more able to tackle everyday tasks again. I’d created an opening, and this made space for the essence of life to flow back in, bit by bit. Healing is a slow process and grief comes and goes in cycles. So I cannot claim to feel completely whole again. I’m not sure that I ever will. But I do feel that the worst is behind me and that I’ve come through something somewhat stunned at the level of inner strength and resilience I’ve unearthed within myself. And I do recognise the powerfully restorative role immersing myself in nature has played in my healing journey. Tending to my garden space simultaneously allowed me to tend to and nurture my inner self and my wounds.

“Gardens also provide a safe haven in which to heal and renew ourselves… In a garden, we can restore our inner harmony and balance as we gain some measure of control over our lives.” ~ Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler

petit arrosoir dans semis de légumes d'un potager

Gardening as Medicine for the Body and Soul

My experience with horticulture therapy is not unique. People such as the renowned gardening personality, Monty Don, have been vocal about how gardening has helped with his depression struggles. There is science to back it. Research shows that exposure to the microbes in soil has mental health benefits, and that sunlight, fresh air and the light exercise we get while gardening also boosts our moods, relieves stress and anxiety, and aids relaxation.

Going further, horticulture therapy has been recognized as a treatment modality under the umbrella of psychological since the 19th century and looking back at its ancient roots supports the fact that this is a time proven practice. Early documents and literature tell us that the first known healing gardens date back to approximately 10,000 years ago, in 2000 BC Mesopotamia. Gardens were used for their aesthetic and therapeutic function in ancient Chinese and Japanese culture. Healing gardens were also a prominent feature in many monasteries who offered curative treatments to surrounding communities during the middle ages in Europe. In more recent times, the rehabilitative care of hospitalized war veterans in the 1940’s/50’s facilitated the expansion and acceptance of horticulture therapy as a remedial practice. It is applied quite successfully as therapy for children, the elderly, Alzheimer’s patients and anorexia patients in various treatment facilities around the world, engaging patients in tactile and sensory activities that improve their sense of wellbeing.

 “When I see my garden flourish, I regain my resilience, my balanced perspective, and my peace of mind. The garden has proven itself as my best medicine, my partner in recovery and restoration. Through gardening, I can always find my way back into a healthy resonance and a satisfying harmony with the world.”

 ~ Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler

Horticulture Therapy in the Context of Subfertility

I came across a moving article by Lucy Chamberlain, who wrote about how gardening provided her with a lifeline in the midst of subfertility and failed IVF. Lucy’s story resonated on various levels, and it reaffirmed my belief that the experience of tending to garden life brings with it a quiet sense of inner peace and joy that my life would be empty of otherwise. Perhaps it feeds that natural desire to create new life and the satisfaction of seeing things growing and thriving. It offers the breathing space to anchor oneself in the present and to feel held by the mothering energy of nature. This sometimes make me think of ‘Serena Joy’ in Margaret Atwood’s ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’. In Atwood’s novel, which is considered a feminist masterpiece, the garden is referred to as “the domain of the Commander’s wife [Serena Joy]” It’s an interesting coincidence that Atwood relied on this symbolism with Serena Joy, a woman who is unable to have children and who is often seen in her greenhouse nurturing and potting flowering plants in the TV series adaptation. Gardening is her therapy and I suspect that for her, as is the case with me, growing things is a fulfilling way to create and nurture life at a time when her body is unable to.

Junge Frau im Garten ließt ein Buch

Creating Your Own Therapeutic Gardening Practice

Does the idea of horticulture therapy resonate with you? If it’s something that you would like to explore, then it’s worth looking for a horticulture therapy support group in your area. If you are unable to find one, then here are some ideas to help you create your own therapeutic gardening practice:

Make your gardening time your therapy: Use your time in the garden as an opportunity to destress and release anxiety. Take deep breaths of fresh air and enjoy the soothing vibrations of your natural space. Enjoy the feel of the soil. Grow plants that are meaningful to you – your favourite flowers and uplifting colours. If you enjoy fresh fragrances, then consider creating a fragrant herbal garden to revel in their healing scents and reap their aromatherapy benefits. Herbs like rosemary, thyme, perennial basil, lemon verbena and scented geraniums are hardy and beautifully fragrant. Investigate growing plants that attract bees, butterflies and birds as this is a good way of inviting garden life and vibrant energy into your space. Put up bird baths, feeders and nesting boxes. Take time to watch things grow and appreciate your space. It is so rewarding knowing that not only are you tending to your garden, but you are nurturing your wellbeing and thus your fertility as well.

Create a Fertility Garden Meditation Corner:  Create a space in your garden where you can sit, relax, enjoy the sun and watch the activity in your lively garden unfold. Sit in quiet contemplation, sip some tea and allow yourself to mindfully breathe and observe the simplicity of life. Take time to journal, do a fertility meditation or work with your fertility mantras.  Sarah Clark has a lovely free garden inspired fertility meditation available for download on her Fab Fertile website. Notice any messages or lessons that your natural surround may be mirroring to you. Observe the creative power of nature. Draw it all in, reminding yourself of your own body’s creative power and trust your womb’s ability to create new life in the same way.

Bring Nature into Your Home: Get some indoor plants and flowers. Choose plants that are low maintenance, hardy and easy to tend to. Try your hand at keeping some herbs on a sunny kitchen windowsill so that you can pick them easily and use them while cooking. Get some pretty flowering bulbs, they always make beautiful and uplifting table centerpiece and liven up dreary corners. Plant your indoor plants in places where you will be able to see and appreciate their beauty as they grow. Also consider putting a bird bath or feeder outside a sunny window where you can sit indoors and simple are the sprightly birds at play.